My first STD was from a foam party
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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