Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
