Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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