hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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