I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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