roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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