Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
