I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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