We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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