Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You've changed since you got that strap on
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
