if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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