He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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