life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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