You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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