I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
