It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
