naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
