It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
