i just google imaged poop.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
