Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Alive.
So much puke
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
