the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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