Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
