Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
