I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
