I'm so fucking centered right now
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
