this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
