dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
