I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
