I intend to get homeless drunk
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
