Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
