I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
