im having a threesome with these popsicles
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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