I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
