there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
