i just wanna soil my oats bro
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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