I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
