i used baking grease as lip gloss
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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