Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
