Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize