Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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