If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
