Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You need Xanax blowdarts
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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