Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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