I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
