He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
