Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
