you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
