Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
