I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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