Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
