New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
