There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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