So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
