Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
