In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
