Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
