So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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