where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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