Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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