I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
