I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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