his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
