you traded sex for a burrito?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
